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I cut and paste most of this from an e-mail I sent to a friend. I write mile long e-mails.

coffee shop story time. Hahaha. Donapos;t get too excited. Itapos;s not too exciting. But if you were here Iapos;d let you smell me right now because I have a strong odor of coffees. So last night, I was super crabby at work so I smoked some pot. Naughty. But it cheered me up and got me through the night. I thought I would work until 9 or 10 at the latest. Nope. 11:30. Awful Then I had to shower and wash the grease stank off of me and set my alarm for 4:30 am. Well, I was kind of high and set it for pm. Woops So Bill shakes me at 5 am and says- time to get up Thankfully thereapos;s a huge dumpster outside our bedroom window that gets emptied very noisily at 5 am on Fridays. So that was lucky that Bill woke up and woke me up. So I woke up and whined a little bit and then got ready and went. OOOhh, whatapos;s going to happen on my first day? I yawned for about half an hour and then finally said- I need a drink. So I had a mint latte with 4 shots of espresso 4 I was a little wired after that. I made small mistakes you make on your first day and was slow and even burned myself, but no major events. One of the girls that works there has a super sweet mom that brought us all breakfast from McDonaldapos;s. Gross So I had a breakfast burrito. I got trained in by an 18 year old. I took that personally as an insult and degrading to myself. Just because me being 26, I donapos;t think I should have to be trained in by an 18 year old for anything. And thatapos;s my fault and myself to blame. So Iapos;m going to talk about that in counseling today. The girl that trained me was a big fat baby. She was such a whiner She burned herself and just about cried about it. So I showed her my arms and all the burns and scars from burns I have on there. I poured hot coffee on myself and didnapos;t flinch. And she says- yeah, but I should be pampered when Iapos;m hurt because Iapos;m a girl. Iapos;m like- bitch, Iapos;m a girl too but Iapos;m an adult and donapos;t milk everything and act like a fucking baby I didnapos;t say that outloud though. Then she calls her mom to complain to her that her back hurt. She was having her mom call to make her a doctorapos;s appointment because her back hurt. Who canapos;t make a doctorapos;s appointment for themself at 18? Fucking spoiled brat. I hope I can keep my cool around her because I have so many things I would say to her that would make her start bawling immediately. Everytime I looked at her today I thought she was about to cry. For the littlest things Ugh. Grow up. And stop eating so much, piggy. Anyway, besides the big fat baby, coffee shop was okay. I donapos;t know if itapos;s going to be worth the money honestly. If Iapos;m going to get another part time job, I think cooking or something would be better. It starts at at least $3 more an hour. Unless the tips make up for it. I didnapos;t get tips today because Iapos;m training. Which I think is bullshit. But Iapos;m definitely going to give it a while because I love free coffee.

There is a really cool girl that I worked with today too. I hope she will be my friend. Hahahah She was really nice and mature and stuff. She has another job dealing blackjack. I think thatapos;s so cool And sheapos;s cute and skinny and Iapos;m shallow and it was her mom who brought us stuff. Iapos;m pretty intrigued about the dealing blackjack because Iapos;m pretty sure those people make really good tips. Drunk people winning money, hell yeah. They give that shit away. So maybe I could ask more about that for a second job instead of the coffee shop. Because I need money more than free coffee. Weapos;ll see

I started crying in my shrink appt yesterday because I was so humiliated that I was trained in by an 18 year old. Bill took me out to dinner last night and I told him about it. He told me thatapos;s something Iapos;m going to have to get used to and thatapos;s something heapos;s learned too. No matter how good you are at something, thereapos;s always someone whoapos;s going to be better than you at it and thereapos;s always going to be someone younger than you as you get older. So I have to learn to deal with it now that Iapos;m getting so old. (he didnapos;t say the last part about me getting old) hahah. Anyway, Billapos;s so awesome. I love talking to him because heapos;s so fucking smart he always has something to say thatapos;s just perfect. What I never knew I needed to hear. I hope he will marry me and love me forever

My dog is starting to get naughty and I donapos;t know why. Iapos;m going to do some major training with him today because heapos;s way too big to let that continue any further. He thinks when he sees a dog he is allowed to run and play with them, even if it means running across a street and half a block further. So training today, then working at 4, then getting up at another disgusting hour of the morning to work at coffee shop, then nacho-fest 2008 with Bill. We both loooooove nachos and we went out for nachos the other night and described to eachother our perfect nachos. So weapos;re going to make what we think are the perfect set of nachos for eachother tomorrow. Nacho-a-thon. I love it. Isnapos;t he the best thing? I mean for me Heapos;s the best and I think heapos;s the best and Iapos;m totally just gushing out cheesy stories about how I think heapos;s the best. Hahahah Lame

Okay, one more story about Bill and I. Hahahah Heapos;s done working for the season in less than two weeks We can quit smoking Really looking forward to it. And even though Iapos;m working a lot more, weapos;ll still get lots of more time together because he will have nothing but free time for me Yay He wants to take a vacation really soon to either Vegas or the Carribean or Bahamas or something. And since Iapos;m broke as hell heapos;s going to pay for me. I hate that I canapos;t pay for myself- haaaaaaaaate it But I love that heapos;s willing to do this for me so we can spend time together and then I can earn and save up and maybe heapos;ll let the next one be on me. Heapos;s so sweet. Iapos;m going to make my credit better so he can marry me and love me forever. Ahhahah I wouldnapos;t want to marry me right now. I would be a huge burden on his credit. And until that gets better, weapos;re not going anywhere so it can wait. We havenapos;t talked about actually getting married.

Today is Mikeeapos;s birthday so Iapos;m going to call her and sing her a silly song on the phone. Then training my dog, then working tonight, then getting up a disgusting hour in the morning. Probably already mentioned all of that but thatapos;s my summary.

I started talking about my job as a cook at my shrink appointment and he pointed out when I got done that that was the most confident that he has ever seen me. My voice and my body language all changed and it showed how confident and strong I felt about myself and working there. He told me that everyoneapos;s happiness if put on a pie chart has three main points on it. Family, relationship and job. He said the only problem I seem to be having was with my jobs and money. I took it kind of personally and wanted to deny it and defend myself about it but I shouldnapos;t because thatapos;s why Iapos;m there- to find the root of my problems and figure out a solution. So I need to accept that Iapos;m down on myself because Iapos;m embarassed that I donapos;t have a successful career and that Iapos;m behind everyone my age. So next session we will talk more about that Iapos;m sure. I need to accept that Iapos;m behind and work on it to make it better.

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